Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
