what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
