why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
