my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
