um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
