My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
