i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
