but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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