So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
