Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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