no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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