he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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