So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
