Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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