if you like me you must not know who I am
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
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She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.