Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.