I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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