A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
