I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
