The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
