i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
