my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
