My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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