she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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