I checked into jail on foursquare
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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