my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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