It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
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I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
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You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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