I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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