i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
