you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
