dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
