Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
