I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
