party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
