lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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