Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
