there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
