Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
