proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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