I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
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he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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