please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
