forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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