i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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