if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the raccoons are back...
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