I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
