I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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