No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
