This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs