he told me I talked like a deaf person
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?