my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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