i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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