I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
