i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
