Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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