Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
