Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
