if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Your dad touched me again.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
