im six kinds of drunk right now
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
