I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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