I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
